Yesterday I found myself in a very awkward position. My best friend since childhood had some friends over. We have not been in touch for a while, so I went to her house to share with her and her new crew.
One of her friends, a self-proclaimed alcoholic, started this driking game with cards. This game had mini games, one of them being “I’ve never…”. If you are not familiar with it, let me explain: someone says something like “I’ve never been two days without taking a bath”, for example, and if you have in fact done that, you drink. I really despise that game. I don’t like sharing private information with people I don’t know or without a context, but mostly; I don’t like remembering things I completely regret. You see, as someone struggling with depression, I don’t need help from a game to make me remember bad things or bad thoughts about myself. Nevertheless, it happened, and I spiraled back years ago to a very dark moment of my life just to humor people I don’t know nor care about.
Almost all the sentences were related to some kind of sexual behavior or things that causes heavy regret, but that this group in particular seemed to find “cool”. Yes, you would think a bunch of twenty-somethings-almost-thirty were over that stage of feeling cool while doing drugs, getting drunk or having all types of sex; but no.
Maybe I’m being uptight, maybe I’m being judgemental, maybe I’m wrong and they are just enjoying life; but I felt out of place. I left that part of my life behind. It was a moment I had no self-control, it was a moment where I was trying to find myself; a time not worth repeating as a joke. It was a lesson, a private experience to share with people who can actually understand what I’ve been going through. It was a hellish night, but an even worse morning.
I wasn’t drunk, but I realized something: I’m trying to get better and this is not helping me. A few days ago, my therapist reduced my medication because he considers that I am stable. It was one of the best feelings in the world. Last night, I felt as a building going through an earthquake. I’m still up, but I need to be rebuilt. And it is not fair. My friend knows me very well, but she deems necesary that I should “enjoy life more”, that I’m “missing out.” When I woke up this morning, I felt destroyed. I didn’t drink that much to be fair, but I remembered all those bruises that took so long to heal. I can see them opening once again. I’m hurt. I’m swollen. I’m in tears.
It’s a tough decision, but I have to take these people out of my life. I don’t care so much about my best friend’s friends, but I do care about her. I guess people have different experiences in life that help their growth. We coincided while young and shared so many beautiful moments, but I can’t be with her anymore. This wasn’t the first time I spent time with she and her friends, but it was the first time reality hit me so hard. I’ve been uncomfortable before among them, but, for her sake, I put up with it. I just can’t take it anymore. For my own sake, for my mental health, I have to let her go.
Things to be grateful for:
- Having a bad experience to push me forward.
- Having a friend for a long time.
- Realizing I have to let go.