Lately I’ve been very happy. I accomplished many of the items on my to do list and I’ve been concocting a new plan for my future. Everything seems promising and exciting. As a result, I decided to dance on my own. It helps me exercise and cheers me up almost immediately. Except this time. I was dancing and my mind went back many years ago, when I was thoroughly depressed and, since I didn’t know my condition back then, I engaged in different risky behaviors. I remembered my ex-boyfriend and the unprotected sex, I remembered the nights we got drunk together without really taking into consideration where we were, partying without caring about my job and many other things that could be easily blamed on youth, but I know it was my depression trying to steer me in another way so I could fill the void I was feeling.
It’s really late now, but I can’t get rid of the shame I feel about those days. I’ve been a very shy and reserved girl my whole life, it’s my natural state, but for two years I thought that maybe my happiness was in this new lifestyle, the one my ex-boyfriend lived in and I took a leap of faith. A preposterous leap of faith. I can’t help it but feel ashamed about my behavior, my lack of principles, my façade, my lies; everything.
So here I am, with my tv on, mute, typing on my computer and with my heart tight by my anxiety and my mind full of shame. I know this hard time is due to regret and depression, but still, my eyes won’t close, my body won’t let me sleep. I can’t stop thinking about the past and my tears flood my eyes.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy because I’m moving forward, but tonight I just feel a little bit numb and sad. I hope my dreams won’t betray me and let me rest for at least a few hours.