It’s been a while, but at last I’m here. It’s been a busy week with ups and downs, but I find myself stable, and that’s a great feeling after all the hard times from these past months.
I am working as a tech in another play with…my ex boyfriend again. This time his girlfriend is not around, so he’s had many opportunities to hit on me, or at least try. The upside of all this is that I don’t feel anything at all when I’m close to him. Not happiness, not sadness, not stressed, not confusion…I feel nothing. It’s the greatest feeling ever. I have moved on and it gave me so much joy when I found out. I felt so relieved.
On the other side, this is the only job I have at the moment. It worries me a lot. Not been that much active sometimes creates havoc inside my mind. Two days ago I felt useless, worthless, pathetic. I had a panic attack while my mind kept harboring thoughts about how useless I was, how bad I am at everything I do, how hateful I am, how intense and clingy, etc, etc. In addition, I had an appointment with my therapist and he insisted that I should find a partner (as a boyfriend) soon because I’m of age to do so. I feel pressured. I understand why he says that, but I don’t feel the need to have one and it affects me a lot. Then I found myself thinking of how undesirable I am because I can’t find a couple as fast as my doctor wishes me to do. After this turmoil, I had a deep breath, a couple of tears, some writing, and I was back on my feet.
I was hired as a tech because they considered me for the job, they thought I was capable of doing so. Besides, I gave a job to a friend who had a new baby and was in need of more money as my partner for this tech gig. I’m meeting new people and it’s helping me grow. Also, this can help me meet someone who could be a potential partner. I was, as always, overthinking everything; my brain was trying to get me down the rabbit hole again, but I stood firm and here I am. I could see the hidden opportunities, for me and for my friend, to move forward. Again, in my quality as a Christian, I do believe God has been showing me his hand in this darkness. I am walking towards him, following these steps to get out of the dark episodes and hard times I face.
Before, I would dwell in those episodes for weeks, even months. It was just one day this week. Just one. I am so grateful for that. I’m getting better. I hope it gets better.
Things I am grateful for:
- Hidden opportunities
- Less panic attacks
- The tech gig I got
- Being able to help a friend
- Seeing God’s hand in my life
- Being alive.