Hard / Blessed Time

I guess I still can’t manage to update this blog daily. At least I am updating now and not many months after my last post.

Nevertheless, I’ve had a rough, great and confusing time, all at the same time. See, I had this wonderful job during in an awesome play as part of the staff. It was a week-long job, with a good salary and awesome people on it. I was having a blast, in fact I had a blast during the whole extension of my job, except for one thing. My ex boyfriend was there. And his girlfriend. She was part of the play as a singer and he…he was part of my team. We had to see each other daily. We didn’t break up in bad terms, but it is still awkward. He is a decided flirt, that was my main reason for calling things through, and he spent a lot of our time together trying to get me to laugh at his jokes or saying something with sexual innuendo, etc. I had talked to his girlfriend before I knew who she was. My impression was that she is a very young woman, very pretty, not so bright, but with a blessed heart. When I found out, I was between feeling it was the kind of girl he always sought, a girl I am not even close to in any area of my life, and feeling that I am stuck and he moved on. It tainted my whole experience, I have to admit it.

Among all this dreary experience, I have to say it felt great to be again backstage on a show. I met so many people and got back in touch with very dear acquaintances and friends and people I deeply admire. And I got paid! Which is awesome. I also got two other gigs that made this month fruitful. So yes, it was a hard time, but at the same time I saw so many good things that helped me get through the gloomy thoughts that took over my self-esteem.

After all this turmoil, I went back to my usual life, which is pretty boring. For two days this week I overslept until the afternoon just to berate myself for being lazy and not accomplishing anything. To be honest, I had been so busy lately with temporary jobs that I have been in the middle of a limbo, with no grasp of reality whatsoever. I have been trying to get up and embrace the changes in my life with changes in my lifestyle, I guess is the right way to go; but sometimes I just can’t help but think I am a quitter who just couldn’t stand the pressure of a group falling a part, a girl who can’t find a steady partner because she is expecting too much from life, a woman with no goals nor steps to achieve any kind of personal growth, and so on. But then the night comes, and I know I had been overpowered again by my disease. I am determined to conquer this and at least accomplish something next week. Even if it is just writing my goals on a paper, regardless of its possibility today, but at least I’ll know were to start. I know I can get through this. I’ll just keep praying and convincing my self of my own worth.

Things I am grateful for:

  • Working in a play as part of the staff
  • Meeting new people
  • Getting back in touch with friends
  • Learning from people I admire
  • Deciding to settle my goals and sticking to them
  • Being alive

 

 

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